EBOOK or KINDLE (The Gift of Fear) Author Gavin de Becker

  • Mass Market Paperback
  • 432
  • The Gift of Fear
  • Gavin de Becker
  • en
  • 15 January 2020
  • 9780440226192

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Review Ñ The Gift of Fear ↠ PDF, DOC, TXT or eBook Empowering book Gavin de Becker the man Oprah Winfrey calls the nation's leading expert on violent behavior shows you how to spot even subtle signs of danger before it's too late Shattering the myth that most violent acts are unpredictable de Becker whose clients include top Hollywood stars and government agencies offers specific ways to protect you. I have a long standing psychological investment let s say in the science of violence classifying it predicting it recovering from it This book spent a bit of time talking about the epidemic of violence which needs very little illustration than to say that three out of every four American women will in their lifetimes be the victim of a violent assault and a large portion of those assaults will be sexual This is not something I need convincing on I often find myself in a packed and silent elevator car down to a train station or sitting around a boardroom table and I ll listen to the men around me hello massively male dominated field in a male dominated profession and think which one of you is a rapist Which one of you has beaten someone unconscious Though to be statistically accurate I should often be asking how many not which oneAnyway Rambling This book is about the prediction of violence The things you mostly women can do to avoid being the victims of assaults rapes robberies kidnappings beatings And not in the way where it s telling you how to dress or where to walk but in the way where we can all be smarter about the things we notice and how we react to them Most of this was old ground for me but it s presented here effectively than I ve seen anywhere elseIt s not perfect though A few of the obviously problematic things that jumped out at meDe Becker doesn t really get socialized gendered compliance at least not all the time He ll go from this incredibly smart discussion of how the ways women are socialized to say no to men I don t want to be seeing anyone right now rather than no I don t want to date you can be very dangerous because they open the door to negotiation De Becker will be making the sharp and correct point that women aren t actually allowed to say no in many scenarios but that it s engrained so deep we don t notice But then he ll turn around in another chapter and say that he can t give a checklist for how to behave if you are in the power of a violent offender just use your intuition it will save you The first part is true enough there are too many scenarios at play too many variables and the need for appeasement in one situation can be the need for hard relentless resistance in another But the second part Hang on We know women have been socialized to react in maladaptive and often dangerous ways to men and yet we re supposed to rely purely on reflexive response in moments of great danger Intuition may be smart and it may in extremis be smarter than social conditioning but how many of us actually know how to respond to that intuitionDon t get me wrong it s happened to me That moment where your brain disconnects and your body moves all on its own and you are not afraid You aren t anything You aren t even you And you only think later after it s over I could have died That is really powerful shit right there and De Becker s right it s smart But it s not a given and forgive me if I suspect that people who have been trained from birth not to credit their own wants and needs might be capable of smothering the reactions that could save their lives De Becker really misses the boat in his section on distinguishing fear from worry Fear being the useful smart intuitive impulse and worry being the habituated often projective and pointless activity that just makes us needlessly paranoid in situations where we don t have to be He really wants to divide things up into clean accurate instinctive fear at the sight of a particular threat gesture and learned socialized fear that is not driven by unconscious data Okay sureBut in which category do racially motivated fears go Studies consistently show that white Americans have a physiological fear response to the sight of African American men in particular situations Hell some of the subconscious word association trials show a prevalence of fear associations just at the micro visual flash of an African American face on a computer screen And you don t need a study for that you just need to go into any major city with a couple of comfy white habitual suburbanitesSo seriously what category does that go in It s not very smart or useful Aside from just being shitty I mean African American men might commit violent crime than their white peers I know it seems like the sort of statistical assertion that should be arguable but it turns out it s not but that violence is directed overwhelmingly at other African American men Most people in most circumstances are in far danger from a member of their own raceBut we have a racially motivated fear response So how are people supposed to tell the difference between that sort of pre conscious racist social conditioning and true useful intuition De Becker doesn t say and actually given the nearly pathological lack of race discussions from this book about violence I suspect he doesn t know I laughed out loud when De Becker confidently proclaimed in discussing post violence analysis of pre violence indicators that if it is in your head now it was in your head then Ahahaha gasp Oh God that is hilarious And so amazingly wrong Eye witness accounts are notoriously inaccurate and victim witness accounts are noticeably worse In fact one of the physiological results of high adrenaline for many people is blurred perception and memory Add that to the understandable and overwhelming impulse of victims to explain it to tabulate all the ways they should have seen it coming and you have a recipe for incredibly unreliable recollectionsDe Becker s right a lot of violence is not senseless and most of it is predictable if you process the signs If you see them in the first place But sometimes we don t see And the way De Becker tries to teach readers to process in the moment what he can only reconstruct in example post facto strikes me as pretty problematicStill It s a great book and I do highly recommend it It s just the race thing He doesn t deal with it I suspect he can t and that s a pretty big flaw

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Review Ñ The Gift of Fear ↠ PDF, DOC, TXT or eBook Rself and those you love including how to act when approached by a stranger when you should fear someone close to you what to do if you are being stalked how to uncover the source of anonymous threats or phone calls the biggest mistake you can make with a threatening person and Learn to spot the danger signals others miss It might just save your life. Removed a caveat here that said I hadn t uite finished the book because well I ve finished it Thoughts haven t changed Enjoy the reviewPeople are saying that this should be reuired reading for all women and while there s certainly a heavy emphasis on women in dangerous relationships or situations this recommendation is a wee bit shortsighted I think that everyone could benefit from reading it particularly when it comes to the examples he gave about the businessman who wouldn t leave a male company owner alone or the chapter on troublesome employees I had a bit of a hard time with this book at first for a very basic reason this is a scary book The first story alone about the woman who was raped by a man who conned his way into her apartment was enough to raise my hackles and the stories just kept coming Though in reality this didn t take up that much of the book it felt like I was slogging through a lot of terror in order to get to the empowering part The book was making me feel scared and helpless so I put it down for awhileThen months later I picked it back up again because I d heard so many good things about it from so many people whose opinion on this sort of thing I trust and because at least one person told me it helped them get away from a particularly poisonous harasser As it turns out I had stopped reading right as it was getting good and from then on I ve barely been able to put it downOne thing I ve heard from critics of the book is that the chapter on domestic violence is a bit victim blaming and I do have to say I agree The chapter is helpful and does go a bit into why battered women often choose not to leave but then glosses over it by saying that by letting herself be battered a second time she is a volunteer This is a message that in my opinion is harmful than helpful to women who have been abused what you don t want is to tell an abuse victim that she should ve made better life choices She already knows that she already blames herself for what has happened and she already beats herself up for it there is no need to make this feeling worse Also part of this is the fact that the DV community has found that it s not beneficial to tell these women what to do by repeating leave him leave him leave him without regard to what the victim herself wants This is why people who counsel friends of victims on what to do for support tend to warn them away from demanding that the victim leave the goal is for her to feel like she is in control of her own life otherwise she ll resist change no matter how beneficial it may seem Good DV advice counsels victims on options they have things they can do if they decide to stay with an escape plan ifwhen it becomes necessary I would suggest that survivors of abuse either skip that chapter altogether if they re not ready for it or take it with a HUGE grain of saltOther than that this has been a superb book and I recommend it to anyone who would be interested in reading it

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Review Ñ The Gift of Fear ↠ PDF, DOC, TXT or eBook True fear is a giftUnwarranted fear is a curseLearn how to tell the differenceA date won't take no for an answer The new nanny gives a mother an uneasy feeling A stranger in a deserted parking lot offers unsolicited help The threat of violence surrounds us every day But we can protect ourselves by learning to trust and act on our gut instinctsIn this. The Gift of Fear taught me some important lessons abut paying attention to your instincts The author spent decades in protection and grew up in an abusive violent home so he knows what he s talking about Some of his ideas are uite counter intuitive like that Protective Orders don t help and freuently are the catalyst for violence from the offenderAnother idea he has is that women need to be much assertive with men who they know they will never be interested in According to his research stalkers ignore the passive non confrontational ways of most women when they turn down a man as an incentive to keep pursuing their attention The you hem and haw the they take that as a yes Also if the stalker calls you 20 times and you answer on the 21st ring that is telling him oh I have to call 21 times to get her to pick up the phoneThe messengers of intuition are nagging feelings persistent thoughts humor wonder anxietycuriosity hunches gut feelings doubt hesitation suspicion apprehensions and Fear He explains how humor of all things can be an indicator that something is off especially black humor for example one of the Unabomber s packages came and the office workers thought at the time that the package looked strange it was very heavy had lots of tape and stamps on it and was addressed to the former head of the company The new manager opened it anyway but before he did one man said let me get back to my office before the bomb goes off he did leave and he survived never dreaming that his instinct was telling him to run